I'm a student (soon to be graduated) who loves ibogaine despite my bad experiences

This is some of my story:


I got pychosis after a conversation from a friend. I remember being alone in the city and feeling like I was in a void. I went to the hospitol and this started my relationship with the mental health system in new zealand

In order try and self medicate myself I went off my anti psychotics to take ibogaine. By not taking my meds I lost track of time, talked to myself and was generally a hazard.  After I took 1.6 gram of ibogaine it showed me my ego was like a pulsating choo choo train. It also showed me my ego was like jagged rocks, ibogaine pushed it down to soften the edges but when it lifted it hand the spikes returned.

The main goal of doing ibogaine was to help me interact with people and get me of my meds. After the ibogaine dose I was quite level headed even though I wasn't taking my medication. Although I would whisper to myself egotiscial bullshit.  Ibogaine brought my vanity to the surface.   THe phychologist asked me about the choo choo that was my ego 3 times, later I would understand why, he was reminding me of my ego. What was really cool was I could connect with people well. It would seem like fate was bringing people to me.

Then I made a epic blunder.  I had arranged a sitter to sit me in a cheap hotel room.  I took a flood dose (no kidding) one part of the trip I felt like a black corpse. Anouther part aliens were going to torture me. Anouther part ibogaine said it was going to kill me.

There was no afterglow after this experience, my confidence was shattered. My brain all over the places. I went to hospitol a broken person. If you play with fire your gonna get burnt. I have been diagnosed with scitzophrenia.  I'm fairly level headed and finishing my study. When I finish my study I'll see if my doctor can lower my meds until I can function without needing them.

I want to be connected and loving to the people around me and find that awesome girl to take care of. Ibogaine only showed me times I messed up with girls I am attracted to. It opened my heart but only showed me how I failed in hindsight.

I fear flood dose and don't want to lose my mind again. Flood dose didn't help me at all in fact it made me worse. 1.6gram was very effective

I am thinking of starting at 300mg ibo and raising it 100mg each month. But before that I am trying to clean my mind doing mindfulness. Staying mentally healthy will allow me to lower my medication without repercussions.

What about kambo though? I'm currently on ranitidine, clozapine and abilify

By the way the mental health system is pretty dahm good in new zealand.