Hey there, this is actually my first time writing about my experience with substances.

I ordered Kambo while I was actually feeling quite okay, but I thought Kambo would do the  trick and wipe away all my worries. (I forgot.... i actually digged a hole in the forest for 2 weeks. I wanted to quit but a frog came out. I remebered kambo then)
Which it did, but only for a week.

Until now I used Kambo 5 times. 3 times with two other people, 2 times alone. I only vomitted in my last session...

I always noticed I had more energy after my sessions, did not have to eat as much etc. But the noticeable event happened after my 2nd session.
After work I went home and was completly wasted and wanted to sleep, the people I wanted to meet did not respond and I said fuck it, I need rest.
While nearly falling asleep I heard a voice in my head, which was not my voice, far away, screaming: "NOOOOOOOO, grow up, you need to go there." A little baffled from this I actually left, without any anxiety or worry or whatsoever, because I knew everything will be fine. Cause this voice was not me, and I needed to to this. It guided me.

I went to the place where my friends where, it was a barbecue from university, alcohol etc. I socialized there like I have never done before. I was a different person. Many things happened on that night. It was fun. (heh actually really short sentence.... I HAVE FUN!!!!!!11)
Back at home, very happy I began to feel ecstasy, my whole body felt so good, I felt so good. I thought about the day, I enjoyed the company of the people there, like I never did before.
But then a thought arised: "Who am I, when I socialize like that" I am a loner, i cant open up. I always know who I am, because I see what others are. And therefore not me. But this day was different. I was like the other people, I was one of them. And it felt good, I felt like a human being. I realised why people laugh at me, because my behaviour is so damn shitty, so frightened.

And this is my problem now, because the feeling left. I have a feeling of anxiety deep down in me.
I have actually done Kambo every 4 days. First time 2,5 dots (messed up)
2nd time 3
3rd 3
4th 4
5th 5 --> I vomitted the first time. It was intense, I thought I could not get any breath. But after vomitting the hot, pounding feeling from the other sessons subsided. I actually felt pretty cold.

After the 5th session, I basically told the other people I was doing it with what I am writing here, but in an other way. Because I still thought I am like that, even though my mood declined every day after the 3rd session. In hindsight the feeling lasted just for 2 days. While talking about the anxiety the feeling actually came back and I think they noticed, because they hug me every damn time now.

When I am not whole, I dont talk much. I can make poeple laugh, but in an very different way and not that often. I think I am kind, but other people dont see it this way, because the action is kind, but the deep underlying attitude is not friendly.

If you like some hocus pocus. I sometimes see things in my mind. There basically is a frozen big guy, i call him the iceking. I actually think now, this is me. Through action (fire) he gets melted. And a really dark moster, werewolf like monster appears. and I actually enjoy when he is out, but thats pathetic. Even though people dont mess with me when he is out, all the fight happens in my mind. I dont clear up situations.
And I have a babyface.

I know I have to own my shit, but I think it is not just a matter of growing up.... I need my heart back, I need to become a human (and its not like a girl broke it.....i meen it in a general way)

Before writing this I thought about it a little. There was actually one girl who just opened two doors for me and insisted to take the elevator (I had a bike with me) even though I said: "It's okay, I can handle it." like i dont need help. I cryed afterwards. For the first time. I am 20 btw.
And i think i need my heart back until i turn 21. Otherweise a little will be lost......


I havent read through all of it and it might be in the wrong sub and it is not even about kambo that much. I just thought I need to reach out.

I need advice, pls