Author Topic: kambo, panema and resolving inner conflict  (Read 3447 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline n3ur0h@ck

  • Use Kambo as a Sacrament on Regular Basis
  • Called by the medicine(s)
  • ***
  • Posts: 64
  • Karma: +1/-0
    • View Profile
kambo, panema and resolving inner conflict
« on: December 23, 2015, 08:04:54 am »
The topic is not about the actual use of kambo but more about the background of why kambo is used and also how something like panema can be seen from other angles. It is based on personal experience, but accounts of actual facts have been left out and instead this focuses on the process and its outcomes.

Last year was my first without having continuous trouble from external sources. During this year I've been sorting out things, mostly from the past, for it obstructed the present. Through this sorting out I've come to know a few things.

During this year I've come to understand there is a deep seated source of conflict in me that in the past continuously resonated with ongoing trouble from external sources. It used to be the kind of situations that were just random and could happen to anyone. Yet I found myself in a continuous string of these kind of events. One after another and the only thing they had in common was that I was the recipient of the experience.

Put simply it was extreme bad luck. And it was precisely the kind of bad luck that upset me so terribly I found myself nothing short of a complete crisis on all levels. In effect there was no going back and till this day I feel strongly no stone has to be left unattended and each harbours a scorpion with it's own poison. They all strike, deliver and in effect have me transmute the venom.

Each time I did kambo this would initiate a relative peaceful period without any serious incidents. Some things were long lasting and did less damage, others were incidental and just kept at bay. Yet after a while the effect would wear off and the random bad luck recurring. I do not want to go into detail on the bad luck, stating experiences individually for this is just the kind of talk that will derail the whole topic. Instead I will take out some recurring string of events that had a definite cohesion through the randomness. For a long while I would run into the same person for days on end on different times and places. Just I am doing my business and suddenly there he or she is again. After a while it would stop, but not long for somebody else would take place and I run into that person in the same fashion. Of course some noticed and even accused me of stalking. All the while I did nothing whatsoever in that fashion, just seeing to my own amazement that these kind of rendezvous were possible. In the end I had to conclude that I was the one this was happening to and somehow it had to do with me...

Anyway I went through years of consistent bad luck and finally moved to a place where for a year now no serious incident has reached me. Instead I found myself attracting a lot of attention on the street. Basically people seek me out for conflict. And it are those that have led me to examine what in me that resonates so much with this. Basically I have a conflict of some degree. Each time I made a move to address something it would intensify for a while. So when I came to realize the conflict was there, for weeks I had nothing but encounters with bad tempered people on daily basis.

The next level was to take a look at the energies that fed this conflict. Though I can't be certain about anything in this regard, there are deep undercurrents that have nothing to do with me whatsoever but are the residual of my ancestors for example. Or they are emotions deposited by having to listen to my parents conflicts. At a certain point I do add some to the pocket, like emotions I never addressed myself. So to work on this angle I started writing down my experiences. Just tried to went through everything that happened and mostly about how I felt about it.

In a half year I wrote down a lot of storyline and reread it for finding out the emotional content and especially where I didn't want to look. So there I went deeper and tried to get into the emotions and process them. I'm still at this. But in the period I did manage to find some hidden context between the lines that not only served to see the conflict in a better light, but also get a grip on how it came to be that I found myself so attracted to series of random bad luck events.

First thing was that the conflict is based upon the tension between being in the world and not being allowed to be me. Put simply my ego is not allowed to exist and the physical existence of my body is tolerated but under serious tension as well. I've had some bad time in my early youth and unconsciously assumed that the way people treated me had to do with me, in other words it was my fault they didn't treat me well. Even more concise, I started to identify myself with their reflection in me, put simply cause I was not allowed to be myself. This way I could still adhere a bit to it, but on the other hand would technically not be me. So conflict flares up.

Now subsequently I started to take decision like 'I will never show my anger anymore' so that nobody could punish me for showing my anger. The same with grief 'I will never cry anymore' so nobody will have the opportunity to do harm this way. This decision I did remember more or less exact. The last was 'I shall never be happy' for I didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to wipe the smile of my face. And I have been true to my word. Crying can only occur after a serious beating or other painful incident and only very meager. Anger only comes when I have to be angry for some else's interest.

So this still does not provide a suitable narrative for handling the structural bad luck attraction. How on earth can all of this account for it? For all I know most of these things are very common and it won't stand in the way of love, luck or success anyway. You can be perfectly successful and never look back at the shit in your youth. But for me it was another step on the way. A few weeks ago a new door opened.

Basically I reread and rewrote some of my experiences and found that whatever I wanted to view it, it stayed impossible to find any meaning in it. In came down to the fact I had some trouble due to someone else and I couldn't accept it, change it or go away from it. I did all in my power and it didn't change anything. Whenever I went somewhere the energy of this situation was still with me and attracted something similar. Accepting it was like choosing to corrupt yourself. I was stuck on it for a long time. Finally it dawned on me that on the surface I was trying to fight it, but what I was really fighting was my unwillingness to accept that there was nothing whatsoever to be done about it. Deep down I felt terribly powerless and knowing that was being the victim of this. But would not, could not and should not accept it anyhow. It was a big no no.

In light of this a narrative framed itself. Namely that at the core of my personality is identification with something that does not belong there, but has been there from the beginning. That way I've misunderstood it as a part of me and unconsciously assimilated it and grew my personality from that assimilation. From the start it has caused conflict on the issue of being and been allowed to, cause it is not allowed to be. It is a invalid intruder in my system. An alien, the other, whatever you want to call it. It has upset the relation of self and other in such a way that I cannot and shall not be for I am identified with what is other in me. This intruder fights for survival but only in time, for it cannot exists in the now. It resonates with all that keeps you out of the now and opens all gates to sent out subliminal messages to attract more of it's like.

The easiest way to state it is using a computer analogy. Imagine a computer that while it's being build is infected with a virus. When the OS is formed it mistakes this virus as it's own components, but the anti virus program knows all along and tells the rest of the OS that this component is invalid, a virus and has no right to be there at all. But the OS as a whole conflicts on this, cause it has identified itself with this component and if this component is invalid then the whole is invalid as well. So hence the conflict. In the meantime the virus opens all ports and continuously sends out messages to attract intruders.

With this narrative I can address the random bad luck in such a way that it makes sense. It shows that there is a way to the root cause and that permanent dissolution is possible. Though it might never leave the system, it can be rendered inert or reversed that it no longer is the enemy but becomes a guardian. How this plays out is still to come.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2015, 05:51:36 pm by λlτεrηιτγ »

Offline λlτεrηιτγ

  • Administrator
  • ↼Ȿ♄ꜻϻꜻηĭc⇀ ↽∆ƪc♄εϻĭst⇁
  • *****
  • Posts: 533
  • Karma: +4/-0
  • Gender: Male
  • Herbs & Kambo
    • View Profile
    • Kambo.me
Re: kambo, panema and resolving inner conflict
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2015, 05:58:15 pm »
Thanks for sharing. I fixed some typos for you because it's so well written I didn't want them detracting from it.

I have experienced that intuitive spiritual kind of feeling to root things out sort of shamanically.
With intention progress can be made despite how difficult the intruding or obstructing influence is do define w
"There is a difference between
not remembering
and not dwelling upon.
I choose not to dwell upon the bad,
to me
it's kinda like being in a paradise
but staring at a nearby garbage dump instead.
You define your life by
where you direct your gaze."

Offline n3ur0h@ck

  • Use Kambo as a Sacrament on Regular Basis
  • Called by the medicine(s)
  • ***
  • Posts: 64
  • Karma: +1/-0
    • View Profile
Re: kambo, panema and resolving inner conflict
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2015, 07:40:58 am »
Yes this is about rooting things out and more in light of computer analogy, having root access (is the hallmark of a mature brain). Finding and fixing the root cause of panema is my motivation behind this writing.

Brought me back to the frog in a way. Did the frog have a similar problem? Ie a sort of mutation or viral intruder in it's basic coding that caused it to generate massive quantities of venom and being killed by it. By changing something about that gene, maybe changing some genetic flags, the frog managed to have it the other way round and protect itself. So while still having some quirky strange peculiarity, it made a sort of invulnerability.

I get the feeling this is a key insight, but if this is how the frog came to be is ofcourse pure speculation... (but I want some connection back to the frog  ;) )