Author Topic: 1 week whole  (Read 7341 times)

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Offline fakeHuman

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1 week whole
« on: June 04, 2015, 11:57:17 AM »
Hey there, this is actually my first time writing about my experience with substances.

I ordered Kambo while I was actually feeling quite okay, but I thought Kambo would do the  trick and wipe away all my worries. (I forgot.... i actually digged a hole in the forest for 2 weeks. I wanted to quit but a frog came out. I remebered kambo then)
Which it did, but only for a week.

Until now I used Kambo 5 times. 3 times with two other people, 2 times alone. I only vomitted in my last session...

I always noticed I had more energy after my sessions, did not have to eat as much etc. But the noticeable event happened after my 2nd session.
After work I went home and was completly wasted and wanted to sleep, the people I wanted to meet did not respond and I said fuck it, I need rest.
While nearly falling asleep I heard a voice in my head, which was not my voice, far away, screaming: "NOOOOOOOO, grow up, you need to go there." A little baffled from this I actually left, without any anxiety or worry or whatsoever, because I knew everything will be fine. Cause this voice was not me, and I needed to to this. It guided me.

I went to the place where my friends where, it was a barbecue from university, alcohol etc. I socialized there like I have never done before. I was a different person. Many things happened on that night. It was fun. (heh actually really short sentence.... I HAVE FUN!!!!!!11)
Back at home, very happy I began to feel ecstasy, my whole body felt so good, I felt so good. I thought about the day, I enjoyed the company of the people there, like I never did before.
But then a thought arised: "Who am I, when I socialize like that" I am a loner, i cant open up. I always know who I am, because I see what others are. And therefore not me. But this day was different. I was like the other people, I was one of them. And it felt good, I felt like a human being. I realised why people laugh at me, because my behaviour is so damn shitty, so frightened.

And this is my problem now, because the feeling left. I have a feeling of anxiety deep down in me.
I have actually done Kambo every 4 days. First time 2,5 dots (messed up)
2nd time 3
3rd 3
4th 4
5th 5 --> I vomitted the first time. It was intense, I thought I could not get any breath. But after vomitting the hot, pounding feeling from the other sessons subsided. I actually felt pretty cold.

After the 5th session, I basically told the other people I was doing it with what I am writing here, but in an other way. Because I still thought I am like that, even though my mood declined every day after the 3rd session. In hindsight the feeling lasted just for 2 days. While talking about the anxiety the feeling actually came back and I think they noticed, because they hug me every damn time now.

When I am not whole, I dont talk much. I can make poeple laugh, but in an very different way and not that often. I think I am kind, but other people dont see it this way, because the action is kind, but the deep underlying attitude is not friendly.

If you like some hocus pocus. I sometimes see things in my mind. There basically is a frozen big guy, i call him the iceking. I actually think now, this is me. Through action (fire) he gets melted. And a really dark moster, werewolf like monster appears. and I actually enjoy when he is out, but thats pathetic. Even though people dont mess with me when he is out, all the fight happens in my mind. I dont clear up situations.
And I have a babyface.

I know I have to own my shit, but I think it is not just a matter of growing up.... I need my heart back, I need to become a human (and its not like a girl broke it.....i meen it in a general way)

Before writing this I thought about it a little. There was actually one girl who just opened two doors for me and insisted to take the elevator (I had a bike with me) even though I said: "It's okay, I can handle it." like i dont need help. I cryed afterwards. For the first time. I am 20 btw.
And i think i need my heart back until i turn 21. Otherweise a little will be lost......


I havent read through all of it and it might be in the wrong sub and it is not even about kambo that much. I just thought I need to reach out.

I need advice, pls
« Last Edit: June 04, 2015, 12:05:40 PM by fakeHuman »

Offline caiano

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Re: 1 week whole
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2015, 06:45:28 PM »
very good,  your heart appears  blessed by kambò.

Offline n3ur0h@ck

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Re: 1 week whole
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2015, 01:47:05 PM »
I feel compelled to reply. Basic energy seems to resonate in certain ways...

Being in thirties now I've gone through much agony due to not understanding or knowing how to proceed. Kambo is like a fix then that sets things right so I've got a chance to work things out.

Basically I see this in your post, things I have learned or am still learning...

* I am doing stuff that isn't what I'm to do.

* There is much set in motion at an early age in a light of being disconnected from who I am.

- sorry if that's vague... and I speak for myself as that is the most honest way of saying this -

So these two things interact and kambo is a direct way of ending this spiral (for a while). In the meantime I am to find out what it is that I need to do. The longer I spend not doing what I'm to do, the worse the symptoms get. Deep down I know, but at the same time don't see it, don't want to see or turn it around. All gets agony except some tiny strand. The other thing is to find out how it started, so I remember my early years as good as possible, every detail and write it down. Next let it ferment, something will come up and then look at what it has to say about that.

Well it's not so much about kambo but more of the rest you say fakeHuman. It's that thing that I learned when you refuse to be yourself or do what's there to do, you're not human so that's what fakeHuman says to me.

Blessings!

Offline fakeHuman

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Re: 1 week whole
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2015, 06:18:31 PM »
Thank you for you replies caiano and macaco,

I am not using kambo right know and feeling quite good. I can just hope that my efforts of trusting people around me will "open my heart" more.
I really hope so, but to be honest, I am already seeing results. But maybe its just me getting my shit together. I'll see.

To macaco, I know exactly what you are talking about. The problem for me right now is, that I am doing things for a complete other purpose. I am doing things to feel good, or make others feel good. Which will in turn make me also feel good. If I am in a good mood I do things to strengthen my feeling or keeping it.
But in the week I was preveously talking about, I just did the things. My actions were not bound to an outcome. And realising this actually makes me feel a little bit disgusted. Cause I am basically just using people around me (not with intention of course). My feelings were just my feelings. I could concentrate on achieving things or just doing what I wanted.
But I dont think mimicking the actions which I think are the ones I really want to do in this mindset will eventually lead me into my desired state. Cause it is not a thought which is missing me, or some learned behaviour. I cant describe it. It is something different. But that might just be the fear or sloth or whatever speaking out of me.

Thank you